What a weird feeling when you try to put all your thoughts into one box in your mind, but they are still spreading around your awareness and disturb all the time. Still knocking in old wooded table, I am trying to consider what kind of person I should be tomorrow. When I do my best to be polite, people think that something went wrong and I am hiding it from them. Okay, I still cannot get it and fight with this stereotype, however it is really difficult if nobody wants to believe in you. What value your deeds have if only you can see it? It doesn't make any sense. I need to create something new.
What about being sarcastic? People treat is as sense of humour, so maybe this is the way to make them happy. Nevertheless, it seems that being rude makes them feel better than being kind - and that's disgusting for me. On the other hand, shyness doesn't work at all. When I start behaving comical, they will think that I am not serious or at least not smart enough.
How does this world work? Why I am still sitting in a living room even though it's 1 a.m. and trying to come up with my new lifestyle? Damn, I am Amanda Wanger and I won't try to fit in that stupid scheme of behaving. Let them f... you know.
The only thing I can do right now is to go to sleep to look nice at the morning. I am a woman - good look always helps feel better and more confident. I am taking a quick peek in the mirror to control my level of tiredness and going straight to the bed, hoping that stress will let me fall asleep.
I was right and wrong at the same time. After busy day, I am laying my head on the comfortable pillow and close my eyes in a second. One, two, three...
Opening my eyes without any rational reason. I am staring at the roof, feeling anxiety rising in my stomach and it has nothing to do with the dinner I ate tonight. I know that something will happen in next minute and I can't understand the source of that conviction. My eyes don't want to wink and miss anything happens around. And I am right.
One second of heavy silence and then... it is happening. The scream. Full of pain and horror. The loudest scream I have ever heard.
I am standing up in a moment and running to the door, because that sound seems to come from my neighbour's house, Camille. The door are slamming on the wall but it is all covered by the yell. Going downstairs as fast as I can, I am seeing that there are a lot of people faster than me. A crowd gathered in a small corridor doesn't let me in. I am doing my best to push them away and get to the Camille, but it is really impossible. What should I do? Did somebody call the police? Or the ambulance? There was a rubbery? Or heart attack?
'Does anyone know what happened?' I am trying to ask over the whole noise, but nobody answers. A girl is taking a sidestep and thanks to her I can see the picture of whole situation: Camille lying on the floor motionless and there is a circle around her consisting of people doing... nothing. They are just staring at her. When she is probably dying.
The anger and consternation rising in my heart let me push people away an get to the friend. Kneeling down next to her, I am looking at other people around and asking:
"Did anyone call the ambulance? And know what actually have happened?"
All their attention gets focused on me, but I still can't get an answer. For a while, we are just a group of random people gathered in a small room around unconscious girl. Then, a blonde girl say with her tiny voice: "We did. But we don't know what's with her".
Okay, that is the plus that she will get help soon. Now, I am leaning over Camille to make sure she is still breathing. My relief is unbelievable, when it turns out she does. Suddenly, whispers spreading behind me start to annoy, so I raise my head and tell to the same girl: "Make them leave this house if they don't want to help us". She is standing up and do what I told her. In a few seconds, this room becomes calm and quiet - that's let me think rational.
"You" I am saying to the older boy next to me. "Go to her bedroom and try to find something which can be useful for the paramedics. And both of you" I am looking at the siblings, "have to go to the kitchen and try to find some medicines she could take". They disappear in a second, so I can focus on a Camille again. I know that the ambulance will come in a few minutes.
She looks really weak. She has dark circles under her eyes and no colours on the cheeks. Her chest is moving up and down, but she is really thin in an unhealthy way. I have an idea to watch her wrists and when I am coming them closer, I can see that there are some small round scars. My process of thinking needs a while to match the dots. She can be a narkoman...
...or a diabetic.
"Guys!" I am yelling at the boys who went to the kitchen. "Look for a syringe! Or a drip!"
Immediately it seems that I am right, because when they understood what they were looking for, they bring me two syringes filled with some liquid. I am breathing a sigh of relief - Camille probably forgot about the portion of insulin when her level of sugar was low. But does it mean she is safe? What if she needs to get a dose in a really short time? That made me think.
"You called the ambulance. Why did you disconnect? Why did you not wait for the tips? They would help you!" I am yelling at them again, because I feel a strong wave of anger in my body. What a irresponsible behaviour! "She would have died!"
A silence. People around me are looking at the floor and nobody feels a need to answer. I am catching my own phone and pick 911, but when I am going to press the green button, there reaches me the sound of an ambulance. Standing up to open the door, I am making people step aside to get some free space. When paramedics come into the house, I am trying to give as much information as I can. It lasts about then minutes. They are saying that she will be fine and that is the moment when my knees become weak and I am falling slowly on the floor.
"She's safe" I am talking to myself. "She will be fine. We didn't kill her". I wouldn't forgive myself if something will happen to her in my presence. Closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. It is all okay right now.
When I am coming back to my bedroom, it is 2 a.m. I feel like this action took few hours, not the only one. I am laying down on my bed convinced that I will not fall asleep at all. But I am wrong. I am closing my eyes for a minute and suddenly the alarm is switching on. It's morning.
I almost forgot about my yesterday doubts. It seems so void that it doesn't make any sense to get focused on them. I am alive. I am healthy. So I will take this day as a gift from my life and do whatever is necessary to make it good. I am going to be the best version of myself and nothing will stop me.
I start smiling. It will be a good day.
Brak komentarzy:
Prześlij komentarz